Scars
Few weeks ago I have watched this movie called Wonder. It's about a child, August Pullman (Auggie) with facial deformity struggling to fit in high school. What he said resonated pretty well in me... it was something like, "Children don't like me but adults hide it better".
I think this is very true for everyone. I wasn't born with facial deformity but my thought process just don't blend in very well with majority of my friends' wavelength in school. While everyone in school is living in the present, chasing against fame...popularity...coolness... I was one of the few among them studying hard for my future. Heck not just that, I was pretty religious too because I believed there must be a divine meaning to life. Moreover I tend to not let my feelings get in the way.... like most engineers I lack this social eq and expecting everyone to think as logically as me. Hence I offended quite a lot of people in school.
Honestly what I really wanted since a long time ago was support and recognition. Someone there to catch my back and reassure me whenever I'm depressed. As I typed this out, I realized I'm indeed too different even for my parents. My parents being typical Chinese couldn't understand and relate to me, therefore they were unable to provide this kind of support and recognition. Why did I spent 23 years of my life chasing after people outside my family to support and recognize me when my own family couldn't even understand me?
I grew up watching Naruto since I was 14 years old. Naruto was bullied often and nobody likes him as a child but he did grew up saving the world...became a Hokage and now everyone take a liking to him. He inspired me to work hard and I assumed that everyone will like me if I can perform better than most of my peers. Sadly nope and I probably incur more jealousy. People from high school that don't like me still don't like me but they are just better at hiding that now.
I have to admit if I wasn't so religious I would definitely make more friends. Definitely didn't manage to inherit my parents good social EQ trait. However just to be clear, I wasn't religious till 14 and yet people aren't liking me before that already.
It's definitely hard to blend in when I'm different but thankfully I'm not too indifferent until I wanted to isolate myself from the rest of the world. While everyone striving to be normal, I'll try to console myself that every successful person isn't normal to begin with. They always think and act differently from the majority! This trait should theoretically give me an advantage to achieve success.
Anyway while I was sleeping... I realized I should stop beating myself over my social mistakes. Almost everyday I was imagining...what if I didn't do this and this, surely then people will like me better. So much regrets and then I realized in my sleep...there were many bullies treating others way worse than what I have done yet people still like them till now. They stopped bullying others physically as they grew up but not emotionally. Sometimes I wonder why would they still bully even after getting touched by movies like wonder but I guess they have their own way of justification.
Last scar I received was probably my BJJ journey. I think it has already come to and end... I stopped training like 90% of students that signed up for BJJ. I think I managed to fit in quite well with most people but I can't help but to take things personally when a few of them including my coach critic me like shit for quitting my first job. Plus injuries are bound to happen as you train which I slowly begin to think it's not worth it. Yes there are many BJJ practitioners training for decades but only getting minor and recoverable injuries. Still I just don't want to be stress about this things after my day job. I just want to chill and relax after my job. I finally understood why most of my friends just don't want to exercise anymore after stepping into the workforce.
Hence after all this ruckus and mess, I just want to advise myself
1. Malaysians don't like people to talk big. This is a very conservative country so better to act dumb at all times even among my relatives.
2. Let go of the past. Let go of people I'm trying so hard to pleased but being taken advantage of instead. Yes I wished they will receive their karma but things just don't work that way.
3. Younger people tend to appreciate me better and they are the future. I might have to be a teacher one day lol...
4. Good friends will still be my good friends regardless of my flaws.
I think this is very true for everyone. I wasn't born with facial deformity but my thought process just don't blend in very well with majority of my friends' wavelength in school. While everyone in school is living in the present, chasing against fame...popularity...coolness... I was one of the few among them studying hard for my future. Heck not just that, I was pretty religious too because I believed there must be a divine meaning to life. Moreover I tend to not let my feelings get in the way.... like most engineers I lack this social eq and expecting everyone to think as logically as me. Hence I offended quite a lot of people in school.
Honestly what I really wanted since a long time ago was support and recognition. Someone there to catch my back and reassure me whenever I'm depressed. As I typed this out, I realized I'm indeed too different even for my parents. My parents being typical Chinese couldn't understand and relate to me, therefore they were unable to provide this kind of support and recognition. Why did I spent 23 years of my life chasing after people outside my family to support and recognize me when my own family couldn't even understand me?
I grew up watching Naruto since I was 14 years old. Naruto was bullied often and nobody likes him as a child but he did grew up saving the world...became a Hokage and now everyone take a liking to him. He inspired me to work hard and I assumed that everyone will like me if I can perform better than most of my peers. Sadly nope and I probably incur more jealousy. People from high school that don't like me still don't like me but they are just better at hiding that now.
I have to admit if I wasn't so religious I would definitely make more friends. Definitely didn't manage to inherit my parents good social EQ trait. However just to be clear, I wasn't religious till 14 and yet people aren't liking me before that already.
It's definitely hard to blend in when I'm different but thankfully I'm not too indifferent until I wanted to isolate myself from the rest of the world. While everyone striving to be normal, I'll try to console myself that every successful person isn't normal to begin with. They always think and act differently from the majority! This trait should theoretically give me an advantage to achieve success.
Anyway while I was sleeping... I realized I should stop beating myself over my social mistakes. Almost everyday I was imagining...what if I didn't do this and this, surely then people will like me better. So much regrets and then I realized in my sleep...there were many bullies treating others way worse than what I have done yet people still like them till now. They stopped bullying others physically as they grew up but not emotionally. Sometimes I wonder why would they still bully even after getting touched by movies like wonder but I guess they have their own way of justification.
Last scar I received was probably my BJJ journey. I think it has already come to and end... I stopped training like 90% of students that signed up for BJJ. I think I managed to fit in quite well with most people but I can't help but to take things personally when a few of them including my coach critic me like shit for quitting my first job. Plus injuries are bound to happen as you train which I slowly begin to think it's not worth it. Yes there are many BJJ practitioners training for decades but only getting minor and recoverable injuries. Still I just don't want to be stress about this things after my day job. I just want to chill and relax after my job. I finally understood why most of my friends just don't want to exercise anymore after stepping into the workforce.
Hence after all this ruckus and mess, I just want to advise myself
1. Malaysians don't like people to talk big. This is a very conservative country so better to act dumb at all times even among my relatives.
2. Let go of the past. Let go of people I'm trying so hard to pleased but being taken advantage of instead. Yes I wished they will receive their karma but things just don't work that way.
3. Younger people tend to appreciate me better and they are the future. I might have to be a teacher one day lol...
4. Good friends will still be my good friends regardless of my flaws.
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