Self Esteem
Last night I had a reunion gathering with my secondary school friends. The purpose of the reunion is to catch up with a friend from Canada as she rarely comes back to visit Malaysia. I think the reunion is pretty successful due to her and another friend came back from Melbourne for holiday. If it wasn't for both of them we probably wouldn't even see each other.
I think that's mainly because as we grow up, we have increasingly limited and budget to make time for less interested friends. Unlike in school where we can meet up everyday for a budget less than RM10 per day so now we try to concentrate all our resources on important friends that actually matter. It was an interesting night not because it's enjoyable but it reaffirmed me who is a dick and who is not.
Honestly the night was tough as it exhausted all my extrovert and introvert energy. There were too many people and it's hard to make a decent, fruitful and conversation be it in personal or groups. As usual there were too many people so the group sorta split into 3 groups. This is the best it can be as the friend that migrated to canada have very limited time to meet people non-stop, furthermore she's a pure introvert so she's not the kind like me to spend time with friends that I like everyday.
It was tough to make conversation too because there's like 2 dicks and many people uninterested in me. I guess first impression really matters... I did really fucked up my first impression in high school for not playing the "game" and trying to fit in. So that impression did carried over till today which is almost 6 years! I did felt very self-conscious as I didn't get much attention no matter how hard I tried. It did really made me felt like an awkward loser and suspecting my inadequate social skills. Furthermore it's canada girl's birthday then I realized later on like the fuck my birthday is 6 days later why can't we celebrate together. The only time I celebrated my birthday with friends was during my trip to Melbourne so this amplified the feeling of me being a loser.
I do not particularly like the pressure from my family either when they question me why no friends want to celebrate my birthday when my sisters always have friends to celebrate their birthday with. I guess this is the year I can say but it's pretty long and they probably see these 3 reasons as excuses:
1. I fucked up my high school life so I do not have friends that care enough to celebrate with. Furthermore even if they care enough, they are guys! Guys pretty much don't celebrate birthday with guys alone! It's just emotionally weird. I fucked up my high school life so hard that I do not have a single close female friend in my group. All you need is one female friend to initiate and then the rest will come!
2. My birthday is in the month of July.
2. I kinda fucked up too by studying in overseas so I did not make any new friends in PJ... and you know July being the summer....
3. I did made close friends this year in Malaysia campus but July being July they are back in Miri, JB, Sitiawan, Malacca, Semenyih etc.... they wouldn't come to PJ or Semenyih for me unless I'm like their boyfriend...
4. I'm pretty sure I will have friends to celebrate my birthday the last 4 years if my birthday is during mid September to end of May.
Anyway after comparing these high school friends with my current university friends, I dare to reaffirm myself that I do not suck at all. With university friends I can totally be myself (up to 80% and it's a lot less mentally taxing) as I can talk about rawdenim, brazillian jiu jitsu and personal struggles with life. Maybe I can do the same with high school friends but it will take a few more outings if we actually don't mind meeting each other again.
If anything, I have learned
1. My social skills are improving and I'm catching up. I did brought an awkward hand-mime group together and made the new Vietnamese girl more comfortable when we picked her up for church.
2. It's hard to connect with people when you have nothing much in common, especially when I have hobbies like rawdenim, bjj, anime that are boring to most people. I guess it's like trying to connect with someone that's obsessed with collecting mineral water plastic bottles.
3. Maybe I should stop hanging out with them especially in a large group. It's making me pretty uncomfortable and really questioning my self-worth all the time. Really ruining my self-confidence and self-esteem there.
Major Dick List:
kw and el. Hopefully I won't see you 2 ever again.
Minor Dick List:
Not gonna list anyone for the benefit of doubt
I think that's mainly because as we grow up, we have increasingly limited and budget to make time for less interested friends. Unlike in school where we can meet up everyday for a budget less than RM10 per day so now we try to concentrate all our resources on important friends that actually matter. It was an interesting night not because it's enjoyable but it reaffirmed me who is a dick and who is not.
Honestly the night was tough as it exhausted all my extrovert and introvert energy. There were too many people and it's hard to make a decent, fruitful and conversation be it in personal or groups. As usual there were too many people so the group sorta split into 3 groups. This is the best it can be as the friend that migrated to canada have very limited time to meet people non-stop, furthermore she's a pure introvert so she's not the kind like me to spend time with friends that I like everyday.
It was tough to make conversation too because there's like 2 dicks and many people uninterested in me. I guess first impression really matters... I did really fucked up my first impression in high school for not playing the "game" and trying to fit in. So that impression did carried over till today which is almost 6 years! I did felt very self-conscious as I didn't get much attention no matter how hard I tried. It did really made me felt like an awkward loser and suspecting my inadequate social skills. Furthermore it's canada girl's birthday then I realized later on like the fuck my birthday is 6 days later why can't we celebrate together. The only time I celebrated my birthday with friends was during my trip to Melbourne so this amplified the feeling of me being a loser.
I do not particularly like the pressure from my family either when they question me why no friends want to celebrate my birthday when my sisters always have friends to celebrate their birthday with. I guess this is the year I can say but it's pretty long and they probably see these 3 reasons as excuses:
1. I fucked up my high school life so I do not have friends that care enough to celebrate with. Furthermore even if they care enough, they are guys! Guys pretty much don't celebrate birthday with guys alone! It's just emotionally weird. I fucked up my high school life so hard that I do not have a single close female friend in my group. All you need is one female friend to initiate and then the rest will come!
2. My birthday is in the month of July.
2. I kinda fucked up too by studying in overseas so I did not make any new friends in PJ... and you know July being the summer....
3. I did made close friends this year in Malaysia campus but July being July they are back in Miri, JB, Sitiawan, Malacca, Semenyih etc.... they wouldn't come to PJ or Semenyih for me unless I'm like their boyfriend...
4. I'm pretty sure I will have friends to celebrate my birthday the last 4 years if my birthday is during mid September to end of May.
Anyway after comparing these high school friends with my current university friends, I dare to reaffirm myself that I do not suck at all. With university friends I can totally be myself (up to 80% and it's a lot less mentally taxing) as I can talk about rawdenim, brazillian jiu jitsu and personal struggles with life. Maybe I can do the same with high school friends but it will take a few more outings if we actually don't mind meeting each other again.
If anything, I have learned
1. My social skills are improving and I'm catching up. I did brought an awkward hand-mime group together and made the new Vietnamese girl more comfortable when we picked her up for church.
2. It's hard to connect with people when you have nothing much in common, especially when I have hobbies like rawdenim, bjj, anime that are boring to most people. I guess it's like trying to connect with someone that's obsessed with collecting mineral water plastic bottles.
3. Maybe I should stop hanging out with them especially in a large group. It's making me pretty uncomfortable and really questioning my self-worth all the time. Really ruining my self-confidence and self-esteem there.
Major Dick List:
kw and el. Hopefully I won't see you 2 ever again.
Minor Dick List:
Not gonna list anyone for the benefit of doubt
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